When Fate Says "Go"

Time is something I will never be able to fully grasp.  There are days that seem to fly by and then those that seem to be lasting forever.  Funny how it’s the days we want to last forever that seem the shortest, yet the moments and memories feel endless when we look back.  I think about the people I see everyday that have become pieces of my life.  The ones I would begin to feel off if they weren't there.  And then the ones who show up for only a couple of months or years but leave such a big mark.  I can’t help but wonder why they didn't stay longer or I didn't find them earlier.  I never used to understand what people meant when they said life flies by.  But now I’m starting to understand it.  Time is an interesting little thing.  Sometimes it’s your best friend while other times it’s your enemy.  Time can rip us apart or hold us together.  But there is no trend that it follows.  It just follows along and pops in when fate says “go”.  In life nothing seems consistent.  People come and go events happen and stories are written, all the while time is there.  Sometimes it’s hiding and letting everything unfold while sometimes it gets right smack in the middle of everything so visible and unavoidable we want to scream at it to go away.  As much as I hate to say it, time always finds a way to be right.  Even when it’s hardest to accept it, it always does the right thing in the end, I think.  But I never seem to fully realize it until later when time has allowed me to mull it all over again and again and again. Time is a love-hate relationship.  And it’s taught me that life is too short to postpone anything.  

In This Place

I like to look back.  I like to remember what it was like before I entered this place.  Before, it felt as if I was wandering around, sleep walking through my life.  The people were the same, the places were the same.  I had those I could call my friends, but they were just a number.  It’s clear now what true friendship is.   I found a group that I can call my own.  My family away from home.  I’m slowly building a home here too.  When I came to this place, I wasn’t sure if I should settle.  I like to second guess things, doubt them to test their credibility.  But it didn’t take long.  It didn’t take long for any doubts to disappear.  This is where I am meant to be.  I woke up.  I woke up and discovered that there was so much more to life than what I was living.  No more pretending, no more walls.  I discovered myself and found out I liked her.  And other people liked her too.  So I took off the covers and wore my own skin.  I’ve learned a lot in just one year.  I’ve made mistakes and I’ve claimed my place.  No more re-reading the past, no more resisting the future.  I am content.  Right here, in this place.  Holding the hands of people I have come to love.  I am never letting go of them.  We like to live, be goofy, laugh loudly and just be us together.  I am lucky.  And I will be forever grateful for that, and never forget it.  Growing up isn’t easy and I know that I am nowhere near ready to do it but I know that I can do it.  And I know that I won’t have to do it alone.  If there is one thing that I have learned to be true, it’s that everything happens for a reason.  And somehow, someway, we might just figure it out.  

Being Certain

When I was ten years old, I ran around chasing fireflies, carrying rocks in my pockets, "playing pretend" and never really knowing what time it was.  Sometimes I miss walking around in plastic heels, one of my mother’s bridesmaid dresses falling off my shoulder.  Sometimes I miss sprinting away from boys because they had cooties, skipping rope and singing about imaginary things that never disappeared.  Sometimes I miss chocolate chip pancakes every Saturday morning.  Sometimes I miss waking up when the sun rose, and walking barefoot through the morning dewy grass.  Sometimes I miss story time right before bed, curled up on my parent’s big bed, reading story after story.  Sometimes I miss watching the stars at night, making pictures in the sky.  Sometimes I miss dreaming of becoming things we were naïve enough to believe.  Sometimes I miss making stories out of anything from clothespins to ornaments on the Christmas tree.  Sometimes I miss being the girl everyone was envious of.  Sometimes I miss only being afraid of those summer thunderstorms at night.  Sometimes I miss being certain despite living in a world of uncertainty.  A decade later, it’s amazing how things change.  I run around chasing time, carrying hopes and regrets in my pockets, playing “grownup” and never really knowing how much time is left.  

Those Two Words

I’ve been thinking a lot about goodbyes lately.  How some require just the right timing or just the right words.  Others, you dread for days and days not knowing if it could be forever.  But distance, it’s a dangerous thing.  Two blocks, ten minutes, six hours, three years.  No matter how far you are, you are never exactly where you want to be.  Goodbyes are tricky because they say a lot about the future.  Sometimes they mean “see you soon” or “I love you but I have to go now” or “it was nice meeting you” or “good luck” or “I never want to see you again”.  And sometimes goodbyes come so fast you don’t have time to prepare, while others you plan it and make it perfect saying everything you need to say, walking away feeling satisfied instead of lonely.  When you say goodbye and watch the other person fade into the distance, you’re left with the question, “will I see you again?”  Because really you are never going to know for sure.  Knowing that puts a lot of meaning into that farewell.  There are so many words you could use: goodbye, bye, see you later, adios, farewell, au revoir.  But there is so much more than just the letters.  There’s feeling and emotion behind them, trying to represent what they truly mean.  Can you really say it all when the moment comes?  I guess the truth is goodbyes can’t get rid of missing someone all the time.  You just have to trust that they understand what those last words meant.  Those two words that could be the last you say to them.  You have to hope they feel everything you are giving them when you shout, utter, whisper it, “Goodbye.”   

More Than The Average Person

I said it got my thinking.  About getting ready to just take what I need and start going.  Going where, I don’t exactly know.  What it is that I need, that could be up for interpretation.  It seems to me that in this life, we are always moving.  Packing up and leaving behind.  Unpacking and restarting.  But I often get the urge to just let go of everything and stand still in the middle of nothing, just to lose myself in one, glorious, timeless moment of deliciousness nothingness.  Forget about the things that are unfinished, not started.  I wish life wasn’t always about beginning or ending.  Our minds are constantly wandering.  We are supposed to let them wander to those mental lists of things to do.  Let our minds act as mental alarm clocks and sticky notes of things to do, things to fix, things to start.  But me, I let mine wander beyond all that.  I let mine wander into the dangerous corner of daydreams.  I think it’s funny how one time I was filling out an online interview and the store wanted to know how often I daydreamed.  Excited I pressed the ‘more than the average person’ button, not realizing that in this society, that’s a bad thing.  I’ve always felt proud of how far my mind can go, the wonderfully, impossible things it can come up with.  Stories upon stories written inside of me.  I like to lose myself there.  Because there, to everyone else, it is nowhere.  And if nowhere is where I have to go to escape this life of beginnings and ends, then that’s where you’ll find me.